We Need a More Inclusive Alphabet
With news earlier this year that Saudi Arabia may ban the letter X because it looks like a cross, it strikes me that it is time for some significant revisions to the English Alphabet to protect the sensibilities of all.
Letters that need to be removed are as follows:
A — The letter A, both upper and lower case, must go because of its close association with the greek letter alpha. Jesus identified himself as the “Alpha and Omega.
C — The letter C looks too much like the is|amic crescent, and for the sake of the non-establishment clause, it must go.
H — The letter H is offensive to baseball fans, because it looks too much like a football goalpost.
I — The I looks too much like the number 1, and therefore favors monotheism.
J — Too much like a fish-hook, and Jesus said he would make his followers “fishers of men.”
O — The letter O is too reminiscent of the empty tomb of the resurrected Christ.
T — Actually, the letter T also looks too much like a cross. Both upper and lower case have to go.
W — The connection isn’t immediately obvious, but Omega (see A — alpha, above) is related to the english letter W. Incidentally, this is why some idioms are best left in their original language: “I am the A&W” wouldn’t have the same meaning or impact.
X — We already know the story on this one. Actually, it looks more like the cross on which St. Peter was martyred, but no sense splitting hairs.
This might cause a few problems. Joan, for instance, would be called N; Wally becomes Lly; and Bob becomes Bb.
In his keen wit, Amru Mohammad Faisal suggested that the ban be extended to the plus sign in mathematics “to prevent filthy Christian conspiracies from infiltrating our thoughts, our beliefs, and our feelings.”
So the only good thing about this change: NO MATH. Without X, there would be no unknown values, and therefore, no algebra (and there was much rejoicing).